Home Economics

It's great to be back in Amsterdam Village! Arriving at Schiphol, it was wonderful to see the all-expense-spared Christmas decorations. They really made me feel festive.

But having spent rather a lot of money on my holidays, I think it's time to put some money-saving tips into practice.

Hmmm - maybe I should cut back on eating out at great restaurants; buying nice, contemporary clothes; and trips to interesting theatre and galleries?

Hang on! - I already do none of those things, given that each is non-existent in Amsterdam village!

Fortunately, there are plenty of other ways to save money. Over the past few months, I've been observing my Dutch colleagues go about their business and have gathered several penny-saving tips which should slash my monthly spending budget! After all, I have been lucky to see real masters at work.

1. Receipts Please

One particular colleague (who earns well over €100,000) often becomes anxious to discuss work projects around lunchtime. At first, I thought he was lonely, or socially inept, and simply wanted some company at lunchtime. Wrong. Turns out that, frequently, whenever he lunches with colleagues and discusses work matters - however casual the discussion - he expenses the lunch as a 'business meeting'.

Given that the average cost of lunch in our canteen is around €3, but, apparently, all it takes to elevate a random conversation into a 'business meeting' is to say something like 'Oooooooiiii - I am shtresssshed and am 42 weeksh late on my project!!!', it appears he's onto a winner.

Savings: €3

2. Big Plate, Little Plate

In our office canteen, a big plate of salad is €2 and a little plate of salad is €1. Our lawyer - who easily earns around €70,000 a year - always takes 2 empty plates to the salad bar: 1 big, 1 little.

He places the little plate on top of the big plate. Then, he carefully constructs a salad tower on the little plate, about 1 foot high. Once past the cash register, he upturns the little plate on to the big plate.

Voila! One big plate of salad for the price of a little plate.

Savings: €1

3. The Milky Bars Are On Me!

Three colleagues have only ever bought me a drink whilst we are travelling on business. The first time it happened, I naively assumed that these guys only loosened up once they were away from the confines of Amsterdam village: I had been out several times with each of them before and they had never once offered to pay for anything.

Now, in sharp contrast, they were extremely generous and kept buying round after round of drinks, waving away any suggestions that I contribute.

Gradually, I realised that this was another expenses hustle: the mentality being that anything purchased outside of Holland is free!

How else do you explain the copious consumption of food other than deep fried balls and raw meat, the thought of which would cause terror back on Dutch swampland?

It is not unusual to see these guys stock up on about €100 worth of cigarettes, food, drink and other consumables which they can expense, thus saving the corresponding amount in Holland.

Savings: €100

4. Soft and Gentle

I caught a guy red-handed taking toilet paper from the toilets in our office.

I say red-handed, as if this connotes some sense of shame or embarrassment on his part at being intercepted stealing bogroll, but on the contrary, he seemed quite proud of his entreprise.

I asked him 'have you spilt something in your office?', to which came the memorable reply 'this is shofter than the one at home', as he walked out of the toilet with his bounty, making no effort to conceal it.

Saving: €2

5. Business Holiday

Except for domestic camper van extravaganzas, almost everyone in my team has taken their holidays on the side of a business trip. This way, they get their flights there and back for free.

Unfortunately, little of our business is done in attractive coastal resorts, or culturally-rich centres, so 2 week holidays in Bratislava or Minsk are not uncommon amongst my colleagues.

Saving: €150

6. Sock it to 'em!

On the dreary commute to work from Amsterdam village to the windswept, soulless business park where we work, I have frequently observed a director-level woman from the marketing department darning a pair of socks on the train. Isn't life too short?

I have no idea what this woman earns, but I reckon it's enough so she wouldn't feel the pinch of shelling out €3 for a sock multipack at Hema once in a while.

Savings: €3

Total Savings: €256

Screw the economising! With €256 burning a hole in my pocket in Amsterdam, there's no end to the fun I can have!

I'm off for a cocktail on the Botel and a slap-up feed at Febo!

Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook!!!