Fashion Police

Now that the Dutch government has made it official business to dictate what people should and should not be wearing in public, I thought it may be worth considering some other fashion tips which the Dutchies could usefully follow.

Legislating to prevent Muslim women from wearing niqabs on the street or otherwise in public is of debatable propriety. But as this really will only impact up to 40 people in the entire country, aren't there greater and more widespread fashion disasters on which the government could focus, to the betterment of all society?

Forget the Burqa Ban: there are plenty more pressing Dutch Fashion Disasters which require urgent and immediate attention.

1. Polyester Everything

As all clothes stores in Amsterdam Parish are price-led, not fashion-led, there is a perpetual race to the bottom in terms of price: any Dutchie will always, always choose cheap polymix over natural fibre.

Perhaps this explains your average Dutchie's sourness and disappointment with life? Except for olive oil when sunbathing on the beach, your average Dutchie has never felt anything natural next to their skin; just clammy, itchy, scratchy cheapness. It's enough to make anyone grouchy.

2. Granny's Cast-Offs

There's a second hand clothes store on practically every street in Amsterdam but, interestingly, none of these is a charity shop. They are all for-profit stores to which the Dutchies run when Granny pops her clogs (literally), to try to swap her polyester nightie from the 1950s for something equally hideous.

Rail after rail of grotesquerie awaits while the Dutchies mooch around, pondering whether to shell out that €0.75 for their new outfit, or wait till late next Queen's Day when they can hopefully get it for free from the garbage?

3. Wet Perms

A substantial number of Dutch women, and - disturbingly - Dutch men, sport wet perms.

One word: why?

4. Au Natureul

Dutch women, famously, wear less (or no) make up compared with other European women. They see it as some kind of badge of honour. Well the badge ain't pretty honey, so make with the foundation and concealer.

Generally, there is a total lack of care or attention paid to appearance or grooming. No-one makes an effort here. Everyone doesn't need to look immaculate, or wear expensive gear. But it would be nice once in a while to go out and about and see some people who are well put together and not in the Amsterdam uniform of peasant shirt, too-tight polymix jeans and dumb boots.

5. Orangina

I know it's the provincial colour, but surely even the most ardent nationalist should shy away from dying - or burning - their skin orange, from head to toe, on a daily basis?

If you put all of these together, you're faced with quite a sight. In other countries, if the police broadcast an appeal for witnesses to help track down the perpetrator of a crime, a description of someone with 'orange leather skin; wet perm; wearing a third-hand acrylic jumpsuit, and a clueless, vacant expression' would quickly lead police to the suspect's door.

Here, though, it could be millions of people.