How To Spot A Foreigner

Returning from holiday recently, my post-holiday buzz (or what was left of it after a 12 hour flight on klm) was rudely shattered by the Dutch customs officer I met at Schip-hole.

- Him - Where are you coming from?
- Me - Hong Kong
- Him - What are you doing here in Holland?
- Me - I live here
- Him - Sprekken lekken Nederlands? [or something like that]
- Me - Excuse me?
- Him - You live here, but you don't speak Dutch?!
- Me - Of course not
- Him - Why not?!
- Me - Are you allowed talk to me like this?
- Him - Come this way!

So he leads us to the search area.

- Him - Did you buy anything in Hong Kong?
- Me - Naturally
- Him - What did you buy?!
- Me - Assorted items
- Him - But what did you buy?!
- Me - Well you're a customs officer, we're in a search area, my cases are right there: knock yourself out
- Him - you are free to go!

What the hell was that all about? Why, out of all the people streaming through Customs, had he stopped me? I was frankly too exhausted to analyse it at the time, but reflecting on it since then, it appears to be just another example of the Dutch provincial terror and loathing for anything 'foreign'.

Does that sound paranoid? I used to think it sounded a little bit crazy. After all, how do the Dutchies necessarily know that you are 'not from these parts' just by looking at you? Given how slow-witted they are, surely they can't have some sixth sense which identifies you as foreign, without you admitting the fact?

But then I realised that all the clues are there. It is abundantly obvious to anyone who is, and who isn't, from the Parish, by following some simple rules on 'how to spot a foreigner'.

They're not as obvious as 'wears nice clothes' or 'has washed recently' as there are some Dutchies who have relatives abroad who will send them money or soap. It's certain, key behavioural traits that give the game away, so that if you did any of the following, even wearing a peasant costume, clogs, 34 gallons of fake tan, and a stunned-but-bitter expression, people would still know you are foreign.

1. Buy Food For More Than One Meal At A Time

It's late (around 5.30 in Amsterdam), restaurants are closing in about 10 minutes - not that you'd want to eat at one - so you have to go to Al-turd Heijn to get some food. Look in the other shoppers' baskets. What do you see? Herring Risotto for one? Raw meat balls a deux? Or maybe your fancy neighbour who has notions has chosen something from Al-turd Heijn's 'Excellent' range? (Aren't there trade description laws here?).

Whatever. What all of these shoppers will have in common is the fact that they are buying essentials or a meal for that day only. But if you spot someone with a basket, or - gasp, a trolley! - full of food or other items intended to last more than the next 24 hours, they are a foreigner.

2. Observe Basic Manners

If you've ever travelled to or from Schiphol on the train, you know that those swing glass doors at the entrance to each carriage can be pretty lethal if they hit you full on. So think about the times when the person ahead of you has held the door for you, to prevent it from smacking into your face. Anyone who has ever done this is a foreigner.

3. Anticipate Others' Movements

Remember when you lived or visited somewhere normal? Somewhere busy, dynamic and bustling? Where there were lots of people, doing lots of interesting, different things? Where the entire town or city did not wake up with the same thought every Saturday: 'Must Walk Slowly Up And Down Kalverstraat But Buy Nothing'.

In these other places, where thousands of people are rushing around, doing stuff, ironically, it is quite rare for someone to bump into you, and certainly unheard of to have someone deliberately and ponderously walk straight into you. Think about it.

Busy places are busy because, typically, they attract successful, dynamic people who value novelty, variety and fun. And these people can respect each other enough to see someone walking towards them and move out of their way, or naturally fall into a city's rhythm of 'slow lanes' and 'fast lanes' on the pavements. You don't believe me? Go somewhere normal, like London or Paris and see it in action.

In Amsterdam, it's rather different. If you see someone do this: try to walk quickly, with a sense of purpose; or anticipate someone else's movement and get out of their way, they are a foreigner.

4. Perform A Simple Transaction In Under 40 Minutes

You're in a queue for a simple service; one which should take about 30 seconds to effect. Not a mortgage application; not a CAT scan; not a heart, lung and kidney transplant. Something more straightforward like buying a cinema ticket.

Go, for example, to the ticket line at Pathe Tuschinski. Observe how it takes the Dutchies up to 30 minutes to buy a cinema ticket. What are they saying to each other? 'Is this a cinema?'; 'What do you mean? - moving pictures??';'How do the people get into the screen?'.

Anyone in front of you who goes to the ticket window, says what they want, has their cash ready, and walks away in under 1 minute with their tickets, is a foreigner.

5. Carry Take Out Coffee

Walk on any street in London or New York - or any normal city - and you will almost immediately see someone walking with a Starbucks or other take out coffee. Perform this observation between 7 a.m. and 10 a.m. Monday to Friday and you'll notice that the number of people doing this is in the hundreds.

By contrast, have you ever seen someone walking with take out coffee in Amsterdam? Think about it. Maybe once or twice? Those people, the ones you saw doing this - foreigners!

6. Laugh Or Smile Warmly At Something Other Than Someone Farting Or Falling Over

This one is the real give away. Scour the streets of Amsterdam looking for a warm, smiling face. If you find one, quickly scan and smell the immediate vicinity of the person in question. Did someone just blow ass? Or do you see someone who's just tripped over, or fallen, or been injured or mugged? Yes - and the smiling person is a Dutchie. No - and they are a foreigner.