Reverse Psychology

I went to see the new Martin Scorsese picture at the weekend, 'The Departed', during which I learned that Sigmund Freud reputedly said that the Irish were the only people who would not benefit from psychoanalysis.

Hadn't he ever met a Dutch person? Actually, thinking about it, it's highly unlikely, as the Dutchies would have been too cheap and/or terrified to leave the province to visit Austria. Conversely, from what I've read, Freud seemed to be the kind of guy who had enough intellectual pursuits and stimulation to avoid the need to come to a swamp with no culture, populated by morons.

It's a shame, because I would love to have heard his take on the Dutchies and their sour, bitter, resentful, narrow-minded outlook on life. Forget Penis Envy, try Everything Envy.

In my own amateur and shambolic way, I have tried to apply some psychoanalytical strictures to the Dutch to see where I get to? I have never studied psychoanalysis, and have no training in it; nor have I experienced it at first hand. As I'm Irish, according to Freud, it wouldn't have done me much good anyway.

But one thing which I have noticed is that when you do unto Dutchies as they do unto you - a kind of reverse pyschological process - the results are wonderful! Not wonderful in the sense that you gain a fleeting insight into the mind of the Dutch; or you briefly discover what makes them tick; or you finally feel that you are making some kind of human connection. But wonderful in the sense that it really, really pisses them off.

This morning, on the train from Central Station to Schip-hole, I was sitting, minding my own business, looking out the window. This woman sat down across from me and proceeded to make a call. Clearly a simpleton, her vocabulary consisted of only 2 words: 'YA!' and 'lekker!', which she proceed to SCREAM down the phone in ever-more-convoluted combinations:

- YA! Lekker!!
- Lekker!! YA!!
- YA!! Lekker!!!!! YA!!
- Lekker!!! YA!!! Lekker!!! YA!!!!!
- YA!! Lekker!!! Lekker!!! YA!!!!

You get the idea.

Knowing enough about the Dutch, I decided the best course of action was to try to block out her sound. So I put on my iPod Shuffle and sat back. Within seconds, I was hit on the back of my shoulder by a purple-faced Dutchie, who bellowed 'Turn it down!!'

I could hear him bellowing this through the music I was listening to, as well as managing to catch Simpleton Woman SCREAMING "YA! Lekker!! YA!! YA!! YA!! Lekker!! YA!! YA!! Lekker!!! YA!!! YA!!!!". My iPod was not turned up to full volume - it was on its default factory setting when you first switch it on - about Level 5 on a scale of 1 to 10.

So I took out my earphones, looked at the guy, pointed at Simpleton Woman (who was oblivious), and said 'sorry, I'm just trying to drown out this woman's screaming a little bit.'

I put my earphones back in and resumed looking out the window at the flat, featureless, rain-sodden murk. This time Purple Face grabbed my arm and ROARED 'you turn it down!!'.

So I took out my earphones once more, turned, smiled, and said calmly and evenly "it is not possshibolll".

He was a bit stunned, just like I have been on so many ocassions.

"It is too loud!!", he roared, struggling to make himself heard over "YA! YA! YA! YA! Lekker! Lekker! Lekker! Ya! Lekker!"

I smiled serenely and said "live and let live!"

He clearly didn't know what to do or say, so spluttered once again, but with less conviction this time, "it is very loud - turn it down".

I smiled even more sweetly, and repeated "it is not possssssssshibolllllllllllllll!", turned, and put my earphones back in. Purple Face had no option, but to sit down - but he kept shooting me murderous looks for the remainder of my journey.

How wonderful! It was such a pleasure, for once, to be dishing out the "not possssshibollll" crap, instead of being on the receiving end. It was fascinating to watch his reaction; his feelings of rage combined with impotence, in the face of someone being irrationally uncooperative and sociopathic. I loved it!

And so an appeal: to anyone who's ever read this and has identified with the frustrations I've outlined about life in Holland, join me! Next time one of the Dutchies asks you to do something, even if you want to do it, or it would be the simplest thing in the world for you to do, tell them 'it is not possshiboll'. As they rant and rave, take your pick from any one of their inane put-downs:

- it will take too much time!
- it is not my resssshponssssshibility!
- live and let live!

The fightback starts here.