49 Minutes of Madness

11.22 - left apartment

11.25 - arrived at coffee shop; ordered a take-away Americano

11.42 - received Americano in china cup. Reminded server that I had asked for it to go. She said "oh yes - shorry" and poured the coffee down the sink. I said "Errr... you could have just poured it into a paper cup". Cue 10 seconds of Friesian blinking. "Oh yes - shorrry".

11.51 - get coffee in paper cup: leave to sounds of "Doooooooooooooooooooooook!!!!"

11.54 - arrive at lovely Kalverstraat. Running total of: (a) people who have walked into me since I left apartment: 9; and (b) who I've had to walk around as they've stopped to chew the cud and point at something: 21.

11.57 - enter H&M

11.59 - am thrown out of H&M.

The nutjob security guard had followed me downstairs and had screamed at me "you leave it on the counter or shit down!!!"

The exchange continued:

- Me: "I'm sorry, are you talking to me?"

- Nutjob Security Guard: "Yesh - you leave the coffee on counter or you shit down!!!"

- Me: "what's the problem?"

- NSG: "you shpill it on the clothes!!!"

- Me: "No I haven't!"

- NSG "You will shpill it on the clothes. You shit over there and drink it!"

- Me: "Look, relax. I'm not 5, I don't have Parkinson's and I don't have motor neuron disease. Everything's going to be ok, I promise. I've drank coffee and browsed thousands of times; it's never been a problem and I've never spilt a drop."

- NSG: "IT IS NOT POSSSSSSSSSHIBOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!"

-Me: "It's perfectly possible. Watch..." and I took a sip of my coffee and picked up a shirt. "Look - I'll even buy anything that I spill coffee on, ok?"

- NSG: "IT IS NOT POSSSSSSSSSSSSHIBOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! YOU GET OUT, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

12.00 - continue up Kalverstraat

12.02 - peep in door of Zara. Ask security guard "will you freak out if I try and bring coffee in here?" Am told "it is not possssshibollll to bring drinks into the store"

12.03 - decide to abandon shopping expedition and get some lunch

12.05 - arrive at sushi bar, order take-out, it's all boxed up and rung up at the till. It's €14.10. I hand over a €50 note.

Surly Sushi Person - "don't you have anything smaller?"

Me - "Sorry, that's all I have on me"

SSP - "Well, I don't have any change"

Me - "Ok - what do you suggest?"

SSP - [stares blankly; chews cud]

Me - "Don't you keep a float of more than €50 in your store?!"

SSP - "You go get change"

Me - "Erm, I'd really appreciate it if you could sort out that part; maybe ask in one of the neighbouring shops?"

SSP - "It is not posssshiboll - you go and ask"

Me - "You know as well as I do that if I go into a store and ask for change that I'll be told it's not possible to get change"

SSP - [shrugs shoulders]

12.11 - arrive back home - no clothes, no lunch.