A Tale of Two Cities....

...well, one city and a provincial hamlet.

Yesterday, I spent the day in London on business. The contrast between Amsterdam and London was like night and day. On the Holland side, the fun started as soon as I opened my mouth to talk to any Dutchie. I'll fast forward through the I've-just-inhaled-a-helium-balloon, stunned repetitions of "You want to buy a train ticket??!!!!" etc and give you the edited highlights:

1. On boarding the klm plane, my seat was stacked high with newspapers, plus some lists to do with the flight (presumably confidential). When I asked the flight attendant to move them, she shrugged her shoulders and pointed at one of the overhead lockers (Dutch people love pointing). I stood my ground and said "please can you move them" to which the reply was "why can't you do it?". I picked up the stack and held them out towards her. The Dutch schizophrenia quickly emerged as she morphed from cross and aggressive, to Freisian cow docility and simply bowed her head and flopped her arms a bit.

2. On serving coffee, she handed me the cup with the immortal line "here is the coffee - it is not very nice - the toilet is there if you want to pour it away". I replied "errrrr.... okaaaaaay", to which the reply was "this is not Italy".

Was she on crack? Could you imagine if there was an emergency? She would shrug and point at the emergency exit, refuse to open it, then observe that we are not in Kazakhstan (or any other random country). Seriously - there is something fundamentally wrong with these people. I am going to buy an Anthropology book to see if I can get any insights... (once I get to a bookshop in a functioning city, of course).

In London, ironically, I became Dutch! I went into a cafe to get some breakfast (having eschewed the toilet-water coffee and doorstop bread lump on the flight). I was no more than 3 steps into the place when I was greeted sunnily with "Good morning! What can I get you today?". My mouth slackened and my eyes widened. I repeated in a stunned expression - (quite high pitched too) - "what can you get me??!!" I had to focus on pulling myself together and, very deliberately, asked for a coffee. "Certainly" came the reply. 70 seconds later, I was handed a cup of hot, delicious coffee, accompanied by a smile. The server said "you're welcome"; did not shrug her shoulders once; did not break into an impromptu hour-long tai chi routine; and gave me the correct change. It was incredible!

A few hours later, at another restaurant for lunch, menus were smilingly proffered within 2 minutes of our being seated. Questions about the menu were competently answered and recommendations knowledgably offered. No-one needed smelling salts. The food came as ordered, in less than 2 hours, with no trips to the kitchen or begging or pleading. It was a straightforward, adult, exchange of cash for goods and services. God, how I miss that!

Later that day, descending towards Schiphol, the rain clouds were gathering outside my window. I asked the flight attendant if I could have a glass of water and was told "THAT IS NOT POSSSSHIBOLLLLLLLL!!!!"