Dinner Date

Have you been out for dinner in Amsterdam yet? Let me help you negotiate your way through the options. Where's the best Thai or Indian?; the best for romance?; the best for people-watching?; the best sushi? etc.

No - that's not what I meant. In Amsterdam, the advice is more about the people with whom you should dine. Don't go for dinner with anyone who (1) is hungry; (2) has an appointment in the next 48 hours; (3) considers eating out to be a pleasure, as opposed to a means of filling a herring-sized hole in their stomach; (4) has any form of customer service expectations; or (5) you want to see or hear from again.

The Amsterdam restaurant scene is the apogee of all the Dutch service issues I've identified. Moronic and shambolic in terms of service and quality, at all levels. Even the UN Secretary-General's skills of diplomacy and persuasion could not get him a dinner on time, per his order, accompanied by the most rudimentary form of service.

A typical dining out experience goes something like this:

20.00 - 20.10 - arrive at appointed hour at restaurant. Stand there aimlessly while you're ignored.

20.10 - 20.20 - physically accost someone you suspect of working in the restaurant and explain that you have a reservation. Watch as their mouth slackens and their eyes widen. Re-affirm at least 3 times their panicked, high-pitched and stunned repetition of what you've been saying: "Yes, we have a reservation." "Yes it's at this restaurant." "Yes it's for tonight."

20.20 - go to table while the person you've been dealing with is taken out back to be talked down by a pscyhologist over the traumatic experience they've just experienced.

20.20 - 21.00 - Sit and be ignored. Occasionally, staff will pass by, but if you ask them anything, depending on their personality, they will either (1) adopt an expression like a docile Friesian cow and bow their head; or (2) scream "IN A MINUTE - I AM VERY BISSSSSSSHY!!!", as they go to recline on a chaise longue and eat herrings.

21.00 - Risk wrath of nutjob proprietor and get up and get menus yourself

21.01 - You've made your decision: it's going to be something to do with herrings and/or potatoes and/or cheese.

21.01 - 22.00 - beg and plead with someone to come and take your order. Eventually, pin 3 or 4 €50 notes to the menu as a signal you're ready to do business.

22.00 - a server appears, with a back up unit of psychotherapist, hypnotist and specialist in post-traumatic stress disorder. At this stage, you can hope for the best, adopt the Friesian cow docility, and point at what you want on the menu. The reckless or inexperienced will ask something like "what do you recommend?" or "are there any specials?" The truly insane will ask something like "Is it possible to have the dressing on the side?" Asking any Dutch service person a question which commences with the words "Is it possible....." is lunacy! I can't even be bothered to repeat the answer here for the umpeenth time.

22.01 - try to maintain an air of civility whilst the server explains that no, you can't have what you want; that you can only have what you're given.

22.01 - 23.00 - Be ignored again.

23.00 Get food - it's cold and revolting; not what you asked for (naturally), but nor is it what the server told you you'd be getting.

23.01 - decide maybe it's best to abandon the evening. Now, if I can just get someone's attention to get the bill....

04.00 - leave restaurant

My advice? Go abroad, or eat at home.