Coochie Coo

Do a survey of "nationalities that are known to be charming" and I guarantee you the Dutch won't feature highly. So it's ironic that you have to employ all your skills of flattery, encouragement and diplomacy to charm them into doing something for you.

I'm not taking about charming someone in the traditional sense: you know, where the person you want to do something doesn't really want to do it, but with a bit of banter, compliments and a few smiles, you can often figure out a solution. Rather, I'm talking about all the extra work you need to put in with the Dutch.

You're not drawing on a deep well of decency here, where, with a bit of effort, you can influence the other person to seeing your point of view. In Holland, the process is significantly more laborious and cumbersome and requires you to:

1. surmount the Dutchie's suspicion and hostility at being asked to do something in the first place;

2. figure out some solutions to the problem (because they certainly won't);

3. tentatively suggest the solutions, while at the same time being full of praise and encouragement for the Dutchie; and

4. make the Dutchie think they're doing you a great service by using the solution which you identified for them in the first place.

Exhausting, but true. If you don't believe me, next time you're trying to persuade a Dutch person to provide you with something you want, be alert to how many of the sentences in your interaction commence with the words "maybe you could....?"

It is ridiculous how much work you have to do to offset their infantilism.

Suppose you're at a store and ask to purchase something. Suppose you're given one of the Holy Trinity of Dutch service responses: 'that is not posssshibolll'; 'that is not my reshponshibility'; or 'that will take too much time'. Rather than getting frustrated, or leaving, maybe try a 'maybe you could...?'

'Maybe you could look up the price in your manual?'

'Maybe you could phone your other branch to see if it's in stock there?'

'Maybe you could let me pay by credit card, because if you don't, I can't buy this item?'

And so on. The Dutchie will listen to your suggestion before imperiously deciding whether they can be arsed to exert the single calorie required to do what it is you're asking them to. It's critical at this stage to smile at and encourage the Dutchie, much like you would coddle a baby or indulge a toddler. Then tell them that they have been so helpful and smart to think of the solution in the first place.

It sounds completely trite and banal, but it works! The other day, I went through this whole rigmarole and watched as the sales assistant stood up straight, nodded sagely at me, and said "yesh - it is possshiboll" - as if bestowing some divine right on me, when all I wanted to do was pay for something, but collect it a couple of hours later.

Initially, I was summarily informed: "it is not possssshibolll", but by applying my new theory, I got to "Yesh - it is possssshibollll" in 5 easy steps:

1. Me: 'I'd like to pay for this now and collect it in a couple of hours - ok?'

Them - 'It is not possshibolll'

2. Me - 'Maybe you could let me pay for it now and take it away now?'

Them - [caught slightly off guard] 'Yesh...'

3. Me - 'Or, maybe you could let me come back in a couple of hours and buy it then?'

Them - [now definitely confused] '...Yesh....'

4. Me - [quickly] 'So maybe, then, we could split the difference and you could let me pay now, but collect later?'

Them - [chews cud; doesn't really understand what's happening; so is about to go into default 'it is not posssshibolllll' mode]

5. Me - [Smile indulgently; ] - 'Thanks so much for coming up with this solution! It's extremely thoughtful of you!'

Them - [blinking] 'Yesh - it is posssshibollll'