Miss Holland

The Miss Amsterdam contest has ended with one woman being crowned winner at a lavish ceremony at a kebab shop in Rembrandtsplein. She will now go on to represent the country in the Miss World contest, embodying all the cultural and social values of modern Holland.

Round by round, the contestants were whittled down to the 3 finalists, each of whom triumphed in rounds such as speed-tanning; golliwog-making; and shoulder-shrugging.

A controversial note was struck when the second runner up declined her award and officially withdrew from the contest at the final stage. This woman, who had originally settled in Holland from Indonesia at the age of 4, walked away, having had enough of the Parish Council's members' requests to fetch them drinks and clean up after the other contestants. The final straw appeared to be the requirement that she wear a sash reading "allochton"* for the latter stages of the competition. When asked why she hadn't been made to wear this from the outset, the Parish Mayor confessed he had thought she was a member of the janitorial team until guest judge, the Mayor of Minsk, had corrected him.

Perhaps recognising that the allochton tag might be a bit crass in 1806 - sorry, I meant 2006 - the runner up was chosen specifically for the fact that she demonstrated values of multiculturalism and openness. The crowd oohed and aahed as they heard her speak about her travels beyond the parish limits. A modern day Vasco da Gama, not only had this woman been to places like Harlem and Amstelveen, she had in fact travelled the world! She had visited exotic countries like Germany and Belgium, having been to both Antwerp and Cologne on day trips from Amsterdam!Although she readily admitted that she didn't much like either place and was glad to get back to Amsterdam Parish, the crowd was captivated by her intrepid tales of exploration to lands few of them had even heard of.

And the winner? A woman who had quickly become the darling of the Parish Council with her sweet nature and deferential admiration for all the utterances and pronouncements of the Council's members. Agreeing that she simply "wouldn't worry her pretty little head" about things too much, she shared the waffles and cakes she had baked and giggled as the Mayor of Minsk winked at her. There was one challenging moment when a reporter from a foreign newspaper asked her how she felt about the statistic that, although women make up 40% of the Dutch workforce, fewer than 1% occupy senior management positions? But she disarmed the crowd by confessing that maths wasn't her strong point and, besides, she'd only go off to have babies anyway, so she could completely understand.

* allocthon is an official Amsterdam Council classification of people as 'foreign' or 'not native'. Practically, Dutch people never call white North Americans or Europeans 'allochton', and it is reserved exclusively for non-whites, even those who have been born in Holland. Amsterdam Council resolved last week to continue classifying people in this way. The Hague Council voted to eliminate it some years ago.