Tick, tock

Time is a complicated thing in Holland. It means different things, to different people, in different circumstances. While one person or situation may call for absolute punctuality, another may excuse extreme tardiness.

Of course, timekeeping can be a very subjective thing and we all have friends who can be maddeningly late. But in Holland, there is another dimension to time. The variations are not as simple as 'early/ on time/late'. There are entire additional sub-species at work, and I'm not just talking about restaurant staff.

1. Too Much Time

Ask someone to do something and you can often be told "that will take too much time". There's a critical piece missing here. What the person means is that it will take too much of their time. Or to paraphrase, "Go away - I can't be arsed". The uninitiated or unfamiliar may think this rude or incompetent, but it is actually the distillation of hours of careful customer service training.

In an effort to move people on from the ubiquitous, knee-jerk "it is not posssshibollll", this new phrase has entered the Dutch service lexicon. The hope is that the customer will take the "it will take too much time" brush-off on face value, and leave the Dutchie to get back to reading their comic.

The problem is that, demonstrably, what you're asking for won't take too much time. Typically, it is the most straightforward thing in the world. The other day, I bought a cinema ticket online. When I got to the cinema, the ticket dispenser was broken. So I joined the queue for the ticket desk. When I explained I had already booked and paid for my ticket but couldn't retrieve it, the woman behind the counter shrugged and pointed at the next customer, beckoning him forward.

Me: "Hello? Can you give me my ticket?"

Her: "It will take too much time."

Me: "Huh? Just look it up on you system and print it off."

Her: "It will take too much time."

Me: "Well, I ain't moving, so do it, or call your supervisor."

Her: [Theatrical sigh] "What is the credit card number you used to book?"

I gave her the number; she tapped in the last 4 numbers; the tickets were printed automatically. In total, the whole thing took about 3.5 seconds.

Me: "See - that didn't take much time at all, did it?"

Her: [Stares venomously in silence, eyes filling with hatred].

2. Be On Time

God help you if you are a billionth of a nanosecond late for an appointment with a Dutch official. It's a major disaster for you, but the sweetest feeling in the world for them. Naturally, we all try to be on time for our appointments. But stuff happens. Like no-one will give you change at the railway station so you can buy a ticket. Or a delivery truck parks for 2 hours and blocks off the entire road. Or it pisses rain for hours and causes delays to traffic.

Even if you're 1 minute late, the Dutch official will smugly book you in for another appointment, in 2 weeks' time; then go back to picking their nose.

Once, I was just 3 minutes late for an 8 a.m. appointment at the tax office. I was the only person in the building, apart from the 43,000 employees sitting behind the counter, each of whom was doing nothing. The man I dealt with practically had a hard-on telling me that I had missed my appointment and that it was not possssshibollllll to see me now, even though the allotted appointment time was 30 minutes. As I protested, he said "words will not help you - come back in 2 weeks".

At least I got a good blog title out of it.

3. Don't Be On Time

How long would it take you to carry a sofa for 3 miles? Factor in frequent pauses for rests. It would be pretty slow - right? Even assuming you carry it 3 steps per hour, you'd still make it in a month. Which means you'd beat Jenckinova, de Bijenkorf, or any other Dutch store by 6 months.

Why is that, when you want something, and are prepared to pay for it, you still have to wait for months to receive it? When I moved here, my Dutch relocation agent gave me a book on Dutch business etiquette. Having read it cover to cover in 9 seconds, I remember one of the points being that "Dutch people expect you to be on time and it is considered rude to be late". But this is only one half of the equation, and it doesn't work.

Dutch people expect timeliness when you are coming to see them, but think it's perfectly acceptable to be light years late when they're coming to see you. If you're late, you get pious mooing. If they're late, you still get the pious mooing, coupled with shoulder shrugging and hostility.

4. The Land That Time Forgot

Even while time is passing all around the world, it seems to have stood still in Holland. Or rather stopped. I think at one point, time may have been on fast-forward here in social terms in that Holland was, briefly, a liberal, open and tolerant society. That is certainly the reputation it has garnered worldwide and how the country and Dutchies like to market themselves.

But it's like a Victorian seaside resort proclaiming that it offers the most entertaining holiday imaginable. Trying to lure people with donkey rides and Punch and Judy shows, while everyone's gone to Las Vegas or a spa in the Maldives.

I accept that Holland did, historically, embody some liberal values. But the world has grown up, moved on, and overtaken it.