Faux Pas

Now I've been living in Amsterdam for a while, I have some insight into how Dutch society operates. If helpful, I can pass on some tips to you to stop you from making a faux pas, and embarrassing yourself in Dutch society.

The rules are relatively simple, and are more or less variations on societal manners around the world. For example, in China, it is considered polite to refuse a gift or hospitality at least 3 times before accepting it, lest you appear greedy. In Japan, it is considered rude to re-fill your own glass first in company. In India, it is considered rude to offer or receive food with your left hand. In Thailand, it's unacceptable to point your feet at someone. And so on.

In Holland, a simple rule of thumb is "what's the rudest and most ignorant thing I could do in the circumstances?" Whatever answer pops into your head, no matter how revolting or socially unacceptable where you come from, chances are it will work perfectly in Holland and prevent you from standing out as someone with poor manners. This is the town which has open-air, public urinals on most street corners, after all.

So, some pointers:

1. When offering a gift in a meeting or business context, you will get as far as saying "as a token of appreciation, we have brought with us some examples of..." before the Dutch person will shout "YA! Lekker!" and climb across the table to grab the gift out of your hands.

2. In a communal social setting, where food and drinks are being consumed, it is considered polite for the non-Dutch person in the company to pay for everything. All food and all drinks. And taxis home. For everyone.

3. On your birthday, every Dutch person you know will remind you that it is a "Dutch tradition" that you buy lunch for everyone. Go to your office canteen and see hundreds of people, most of whom you've never seen before, wait expectantly by the cash register with trays piled high with raw meat balls and herrings.

4. When attempting to purchase something in a store, smile benignly as a Dutch person elbows you in the ribs and tries to push you out of the way. Even - perhaps especially - if the person in question works there.

5. Do not take offence when Dutch people never, ever, ever wash their hands after using the toilet. Especially those involved in the catering and food preparation business.

6. If you invite a Dutch person into your home, do not embarrass yourself and object when they conduct a detailed search and inventory of your possessions; ask how much everything you own costs; ask how much you earn; and hint at how nice that picture/vase/flat screen tv would look in their flat.

7. Do not expect a return invitation to the Dutch person's home. You will be informed in lofty tones that it is very rare for a foreigner to be invited into the inner sanctum of Dutch family life, as if it were some great honour. Please. Walk down any street and you can see straight into any Dutchie's toilet as they're too cheap to buy curtains.