Just Give Me The Coffee!!

I'm not a huge fan of Starbucks, but they could crush the Dutch coffee scene in ... oh, about 10 seconds. Getting coffee here is the most stressful thing in the world. It involves 3 distinct phases, each of which is designed to stress you out. Cumulatively, the effect is guaranteed to drive you bananas!!!

First, you have to get through that Dutch incredulity. No matter what you ask a Dutch person, they stand there, slack-jawed, eyeing you nervously and suspiciously. In response, all they EVER do, is repeat what it is you've asked them in an incredulous, high-pitched tone of bewilderment and astonishment.

So it goes something like this. You go into a coffee house called "We serve coffee". There's coffee everywhere - pictures of it, bags of beans, grounds, the works. A Dutch person is standing behind the counter, eyeing you nervously, hoping you won't speak to them. They're wearing a badge which reads "I serve coffee" and are standing under a sign which advises "Get your coffee here". You approach them and say "hello - please may I have a coffee?". They look at you, eyes wide, mouth slack, their expression a mix of panic and disbelief. "You want to buy a coffee???!!!!!!!!" - complete and utter astonishment! "Er - yes, please". "You want to buy it here??!!!!!" "Emm.... yes" "Oh, okay, wait".

Then begins phase 2 - the Tai Chi Hustle. No matter where you are in Holland, no matter how many or how few people are waiting, Dutch people move at a a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry sloooooooooooooooooooooooooow paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. This goes for walking, or any form of movement really and - especially - when paying for things and taking money out of ATMs. So, in the middle of Centraal Station in Amsterdam during 'rush' hour, once you have finally convinced the "I serve coffee" person to serve you coffee, they then start doing an elaborate tai chi routine whereby they slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly pick up a cup. Turn. Contemplate. Look for the coffee. Observe it. Approach it. Pick up the coffee. You get the picture. 20 minutes later, you've missed your train and you're still about another 20 minutes away from getting your coffee.

The third and final phase is - finally - delivery of the coffee. It's invariably revolting. The Dutch are - how do I put this? - pennywise. Keen to save a few cents here and there. A bit stingy. Unbelievably cheap. (The phrase "Let's Go Dutch" didn't originate by accident). This goes for both buyer and seller. So, invariably, the coffee you are served will have been made from grounds that have been used 5 or 6 times before, combined with burnt scrapings from the machine and God knows what else.

So - after much pleading, persuasion and cajoling, you'll get thrown a cup of warm sludge after about 40 minutes and having missed your train. Another wonderful Dutch experience!