Queen's Day

What can you tell about a nation from the way in which it celebrates its national holiday? That the Americans are patriotic with a somewhat irrational belief that theirs is the greatest nation on earth? That the Irish like to drink and wear green clothes? That the French shrug their shoulders a lot and like to go on strike?

And the Dutch? That they are unimaginative cheapskates, with no limits on the depths to which they will descend in the pursuit of earning a quick euro? Depressingly, and predictably, the answer has to be a resounding 'yes'.

In the run up to my first Queen's Day, people in my office were speaking about it in quick, breathy cadences; as if it were the best day ever! A real knock-out! Never one to miss a day of fun and festivity, I decided it would be good to stay in town that weekend and experience the very best that the Dutch had to offer. About a week before the day itself, strange markings in chalk and masking tape began to appear on the pavements around the town. On enquiry, it was revealed that these were to enable people to 'stake their pitch' for them to set up a stall to sell all the old crap from their basement that they hadn't managed to sell the previous Queen's Day.

I was still relatively green and new to Amsterdam at this time (back in April), so I kind of figured "oh - that sounds pretty gross; hopefully, these losers won't dominate the day." How naive and stupid of me....

I awoke to a sea of orange. Any shitbit, no matter how crappy or dirty, was hauled out to be hawked on the streets. The Dutchies milled around, high on the excitement of buying a stained set of dentures for €1! Parents painted their children orange and invited you to take their photo for €5. Isn't that illegal? Dogs and cats had an orange bit of sock tied around their necks: again, in the attempt to solicit a photo opportunity for €5. Smelly herring sandwiches were made in peoples' kitchens and fired out of windows on to the street - yours for only €3! (salmonella included for free).

Businesses got in on the act too. All prices and timings doubled for the day. So your cup of coffee-sludge took 80 minutes and cost €6. The best bit? If you wanted to use the bathroom in any of these places - even if you were a paying customer and had spent money on herrings or coffee-sludge on the premises, you had to spend €1 to do your business.

At no stage during the day did I see anyone actually buy anything from any of the stalls. At around 5pm, the Dutchies threw out a bunch of crap which they finally had to acknowledge even they couldn't sell to their countrymen (used dildos, leftovers from last night's herring curry, books on etiquette). Cue a feeding frenzy. I personally witnessed at least 6 or 7 people rifling through garbage and making off with swag bags of crap. These people were not hobos: they were regular, middle-class Dutchies, intoxicated by the prospect of retrieving someone's grandmother's nylon nightie from a bag of trash - FOR FREE!!!