Leaving on a Jet Plane

Ah, lovely klm and, more particularly, the lovely people who work for klm. Have you ever flown with them? Have you joined their frequent flyer programme, Flying Blue? You will be.

I think I may have found the reason why the average Dutch person is so slack-jawed in a customer service situation. It's from years of experiencing klm's customer service. You literally just have to sit there, mouth agape, wondering if what you've just witnessed has really happened?

Here are just a few of the things I have witnessed/experienced whilst dealing with this airline. I promise they're all true.

1. On a flight 2 days ago, an elderly woman fell into the aisle, coming out of the bathroom, dropping her medication on the floor. The klm flight attendant watched her scrabbling on the floor, sighed, then stepped over her as she was crouching, trying to find her pills. Had I not been looking, I'm sure she'd have kicked her for good measure.

2. Go on an early morning flight from Amsterdam to London. The grumpy flight attendants will fling sandwiches at you. If you ask for them to be heated, they will look at you in complete and utter astonishment, as if you're from Mars, and scream "It's not possssssssssssssssshibol!!!!!!" Wait 5 minutes. Go to the galley. Watch as a gaggle of flight attendants wolf down as many sandwiches from the microwave as they can in the remaining flight time.

3. Trying to board a flight to Damascus a couple of weeks ago, a woman passenger, with a crying infant, politely asked one of the 6 klm staff at the gate - each of whom was doing nothing - if she could go through to the gate area to sit down and tend to her child. The klm staffer shrugged her shoulders, took a sip from her soda, and said "what do you want me to do about it?". When the same woman passenger politely repeated her request 5 minutes later, the klm staffer screamed "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU SO RUDE? ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS RUDE? IT IS THE HOLIDAY SEASON. GET USED TO IT."

4. I approached a klm service area at Schiphol. There were 23 staff. I wanted one of them to add my frequent flyer information to my reservation. I waited at the designated point. And waited. The reason I know that there were 23 staff was because I had the time to count all of them whilst waiting. Twice. Having been ignored, I went to the nearest one and asked, politely "Please could you check if my frequent flyer number is included with my reservation". She didn't look at me, only at her colleague, to whom she rolled her eyes. She tapped some numbers on a keyboard and, still without making eye contact, said "it's there" and threw my frequent flyer card across the counter towards me. When I complimented her on her courteous and professional service, she finally decided to make eye contact with me, turning towards me and screaming "YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. WHO ARE YOU? YOU CANNOT SPEAK".

5. My flight to London was cancelled. With a heavy heart, I approached the klm 'service' area. My first question was "do you know why the flight has been cancelled?". Customarily, the klm staffer looked at me as if, instead, I had asked "can you split an atom in front of me and become fluent in Japanese in 10 seconds?" She didn't know why. I explained I needed to get to a meeting; please could she transfer me to BA, or bmi, or even Easyjet? "THAT IS NOT POSSSSSSSSHIBOLL!!! I DON'T DO THAT FOR ANYONE!!!! WHY SHOULD I DO IT FOR YOU??? WHY ARE YOU SPECIAL?????"

I could go on, but it's exhausting. Do yourself a favour. There are plenty of other airlines flying in and out of Schiphol. Fly on any other one of them. It will be half the price, not cancelled, not delayed and you won't be screamed at by some leatherette hag.