I'm Just Popping Out To The Bank.....

.....see you in about 17 hours....

Dutch banks are very strange. There is only 1 ATM for about every 3,000,000 people. Dutch people mourn the passing of the coin ATM, when they could withdraw €1 at a time. So now, even assuming you can ever find 1 of the 6 ATMs in Holland that's working, the queue of people is always incredibly long. There are a number of reasons for this. The principal ones are:

1. The average time spent at the ATM is 43.7 minutes. It's hard for a Dutch person to press the "Accept" button which will result in him spending money, so all forms of evasive and delaying activity are undertaken in the vain hope that the inevitable will be postponed.

2. There is a social convention that you cannot stand within half a mile of the person using the ATM (though anything goes in the queue itself). If you go anywhere near a Dutch person using an ATM, they will turn around and snarl at you. Suppose you've recently arrived from London or New York, or even Muroroa Atoll in the South Pacific, anywhere that's more dynamic really - you have to remember that there is a system. You cannot ask a Dutch person to hurry up, or if they're in a catatonic coma, even after about 25 minutes. You need to wait the full 43.7 minutes. Words will not help you.

3. Having withdrawn the €5 (the minimum amount), the Dutch person is keen to get into the bank itself to re-lodge the extra €4 that they don't need until next month and which they've unreasonably been forced to withdraw. This can result in chaotic scenes as the 2 queues intermingle outside the bank - people trying to use the ATM, and people trying to re-deposit their money. Lots of people shout "Doooooooook! Oy! Oy!" nervously at each other until the crowds eventually subside, at around 4pm.

Insider Tip! Consider postponing your trip to the bank to around 4pm. That's when Febo - the Dutch self-service burger bar has a "3 herring for 1" special and so many Dutch stampede to their nearest outlet. Obviously - you should avoid Febo around these times.