Megalomania

If you get into conversation with a Dutchie, chances are they will bore you rigid with unsolicited insights into how wonderful life in Holland is. They genuinely believe that they're great, and superior to all other nationalities. They claim their 4 key traits, which give them the lead over all other nations on Earth, are their: (1) pragmatism; (2) 'live and let live' approach to others; (3) pursuit of 'coziness' and harmonious work/life balance; and (4) trading prowess.

Scratch one-tenth of a milimetre below the surface, and you'll quickly discover that each of these is a load of rubbish. Let's look at them in turn, starting with pragmatism.

Pragmatism: Dutchies say they are pragmatic. This forms the basis of the Amsterdam Parish Council's decision to permit the drugs n' hookers playground that has made Amsterdam famous. The Dutch say that because people have sex and take drugs, you may as well cater for these activities, rather than drive them underground. Or to put it another way, if it were not legal to buy hookers and hash, people would do it anyway.

Actually, I think this policy is reasonably enlightened. Though I still find the Red Light District and the women who ply their trade there a pretty depressing sight.

What gets me is the triumphant and somewhat patronising invocation of being able to buy a 10 minute hand job and a mouldy joint as evidence of pragmatism. There are so many other issues which could better and more pragmatically be addressed. You can imagine the Parish Council meeting at which the Hash n' Hookers Disneyland was approved:

"Well, the doctors are still using leeches. We've totally messed up the roads and sanitation. Our service industry has gone to pieces. Our racial integration policy is non-existent. But the people can still pick up a hooker and smoke a spliff! Well done everyone! Herrings all round!"

Live and let live: Again, in a patronising and snooty way, Dutch people will tell you they are so wonderfully liberal and tolerant. Live and let live. Right. But if you're black, Muslim or Indonesian, you better be doing your living in the furthest-flung suburbs; don't come into town; and don't apply for a job unless it's in sanitation or catering. Marvelous!

And now, the immigration committee of the Parish Council has decreed that new immigrants must take a course in Dutch 'language' and 'culture'. That's helpful. Forcing an individual to learn a dying language and say "Dooooooooooooooooooooooook!! Oy!! Oy!! YA!! Lekker!!" and learning how to become worskhy and blow off all your responsibilities, become inflexible, and live on a diet of raw meat balls and herrings. Real progress. That's really letting someone live how they want to live.

Coziness: To be cozy is the holy grail for a Dutch person. They explain 'coziness' as some Zen-like, intricate balance between well-being and one's surroundings, where the self can achieve harmony with one's environment, in one big orange aura. Please. It basically means being able sit on your arse doing fuck all.

I think coziness is the most evil of all Dutch traits in that it is directly responsible for the unbelievably crap service and the average Dutchie's ashen-faced terror of change. A Dutch person explained it to me as follows: if you go into a shop/bar/restaurant and the staff are sitting around, filing their nails/reading books/sipping sodas/filling out long-term sick leave applications, you are not to be frustrated or indignant. Rather, you are to pause and admire the cozy working environment they have built up for themselves. Wait your turn and don't antagonise them.

Although I doubt I'll be here to see it, I cannot wait for a tidal wave of reality and competition to come crashing over the Dutch service industry and wash away this pious, self-righteous, bullshit excuse for laziness and indolence.

Trading Prowess: Dutch people will reminisce about the Golden Age - 400 years ago, when their boats set off around the world and came back laden with herrings and syphilis. A true age of enlightenment. The mercantile way of life back then has imbued contemporary Dutchies with a trader's mentality - "how can I make a quick euro with the absolute minimum of effort?" Dutch people are truly proud of this. We've seen it on Queen's Day, when people scrum to sell their unwanted crap to their neighbours. (By the way, has anyone ever seen one, single charity shop in this village?). I have personally experienced it where I have asked Dutch colleagues would they or a friend have a boat they could lend me for a day to go up and down the canals? One was offered to me for €800. I could fly to Tokyo and back for that. Just so mean, stingy and opportunistic. There's no trace of embarrassment in any of this. Disappearing to the toilet when the bill comes; recycling tea-bags; saying "Moo! - I forgot my wallet"; I've experienced them all.

OK so every nation and their people have stuff they need to work on. But in Holland, the problem is worse. Dutch people refuse to acknowledge that things could be better or different. A large part of this is down to their innate hostility to change - "we have a shyshtem!" If there were a collective acknowledgement that their services are seventeenth century and their treatment of certain sections of their society unacceptable, then perhaps they could move on to doing something about it. But no - they're still insistent that their way is the best way and cannot contemplate anything else. Plus, they are unbelievably defensive! They cannot engage in any adult, serious discussion about the shortcomings of their society. The initial response to any criticism is always to try and deflect it with some claptrap about pragmatism or tolerance. Then, once you've demolished that argument in about 10 seconds, the Dutchie will sit, chew the cud and then snap "well why don't you leave then!"