Miss Amsterdam

As a prelude to the Miss Holland contest, the Parish Council has decided to organise a Miss Mooi Amsterdam regional competition! The prizes are worth so much more than the honour of representing Holland in a misogynistic, anachronistic ritual! The winner is guaranteed 5 unique, money-can't-buy, prizes:

1. Guaranteed delivery of any purchase at De Bijenkorf within the Amsterdam village limits in no less than 7 months!

2. Installation of a fully-functioning telephone connection within 18 months! That works at the same time as the television! Even when it's raining heavily!

3. A doctor who will prescribe you THREE aspirin if one of your limbs is fully severed!

4. An apartment whose basement will not flood with raw sewage after the next Noah's Ark-style downpour!

5. Curtains for the windows in your toilet - now that's fancy!

With prizes like these, as you can imagine, competition is intense. To add a veneer of respectability and modernity to proceedings (or so they say), the Parish Council has decreed that the competition is not to focus solely on appearance. In addition, all entrants must demonstrate a talent or skill that encapsulates what life is like in Amsterdam 2006. The talent or skill must fall within one of 3 approved categories:

1. Home Economics - a.k.a. how to repeat Jesus' miracle of feeding 5,000 Dutchies with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 herrings?!!

2. Congeniality - who can use the toilet the most times without washing their hands? Who can be the rudest and most pig-ignorant? Who can shrug their shoulders the quickest? Who can scream "THAT IS NOT POSSSSSSHIBOLLLLLLLLL!!!!" or "THAT IS NOT MY RESSSSHPONSHINIBBILLLITTTY" the loudest? It's shaping up to be quite a battle!

3. Cultural Awareness - who will not be terrified when shown something 'foreign' or 'not from these parts'? Who can behave in a civilised manner with a member of a different faith? (ie, not the pidgin-Hindu Cult of Moo to which all the contestants will belong). Who will not laugh uproariously at the idea that, in 2006, a golliwog is an acceptable Christmas decoration?

With the Mayor of Minsk returning as a guest judge to add a touch of panache and glamour to proceedings, it truly promises to be an amazing event!