Now I'm a Doctor

I've decided to set up practice as a doctor in Holland! It's so easy! I took a piece of cardboard and scrawled 'DOKTER' on it in bright orange crayon. I've put the cardboard in the window, and I'm good to go!

No need to study medicine or take any professional qualifications. Basically, you just need to have a rude and surly disposition; shrug your shoulders a lot when patients come to visit you; refuse to prescribe them anything; refuse to do anything constructive whatsoever; then send them a big bill.

Some examples:

1. I've broken various bones in my right foot 4 times in the last 8 years. I thought I'd done it again, in my big toe, when I had been trying to kick a door open (don't ask). I limped into Casualty at Onze Lieve Vrouwe Gasthuis. After waiting for one and a half hours in a squalid waiting room, a bored and surly 'doctor' arrived; looked at my toe; confirmed that it hurt; said it could be broken, or that it could not be; shrugged her shoulders; refused to give me an x-ray; refused to perform any other kind of test or examination; disappeared; and sent me a bill for €400.

2. I was on holiday with my partner recently. He got nasty food poisoning/stomach bug. Then so did I. A week of vomiting and diarrhoea ensued. I was in London on business and went to see my doctor. He gave me a prescription, no problem: my bug cleared up overnight. My partner went to the doctor in Amsterdam and explained the situation. He was told that he could not have any medication and that it was perfectly normal in Holland for people to have diarrhoea for a month and then for it to go away. He said the fact that the pills my doctor in London had given me had cured the bug was probably a coincidence. He told my partner to go away and find another doctor if he insisted on getting medicine.

3. Fast forward 3 days. My partner is in serious pain and his stomach is swollen up; he's vomiting and has diarrhoea. I call the Dutch after-hours medical helpline. I explain all the symptoms. They tell me to hold on and they'll call back. After 20 minutes, I get a call. "Does he have a fever?" No. They say they'll call back again. Another 10 minutes. "Has he been in the tropics?" No. A long pause. "He should see a doctor."

I promise I'm not making this up.

So if you're feeling ill or have been involved in an accident, feel free to drop by my surgery. I'll ignore you for a couple of hours; then shrug my shoulders; then tell you that you might be ill/dying or you might not be; refuse to provide you with any medication, care or assistance; shrug my shoulders again; then ask you for €400. What's not to like?

Please also bear in mind that it is not possible to book an appointment on less than 6 weeks' notice and that I may not be available even if you have an appointment. Or at all.